Friday, July 21, 2006

Sailing on the Seas of Sticky Heat

It would be pretty redundant to mention how hot it is in this monkey suit so I'll just share with you a few of my personal methods for beating this heat with an ugly stick:

1. Take a tip from the ancient egyptians who wore cones of scented fat on their heads which would melt in the sun and drip down in a continual, slippery cascade of rendered fat mixed with lilies and modernize that concept with cubes of ice. A little salt allows the ice to stick to your now sweat dampened doo-rag and you can even build a little ziggurat, they take longer to melt. The added irony of explaining how your pate became frostbitten in 90 degree heat will take your mind off such trivial issues as how to convert 90f into Celsius or how long you can leave grandma inside a limited edition PT cruiser at WalMart's spacious parking lot before she strokes out.

2. Melt crayons in the sun. WOW! Look at those little, brightly colored wax bastards, I thought I was melting but they literally are! Glad I'm not a crayon...... now to render a self portrait on the sidewalk!

3. Burning ants takes the crayon priciple one step further, but rather than creating art you are helping those poor insects advance along the karmic wheel, and for all you know maybe one was Hitler. When yer public pool bragging rights include "I killed Hitler" who cares how hot it is.

4. Shave. Shave everything. All that hair. Now mist yourself with mint infused rubbing alcohol while standing in the shade. Any razor burns will be excruciatingly painful and the rest will feel springtime fresh, both are guaranteed to help you feel less hot. Follow with a soothing, fresh, split aloe leaf rubdown, rinse and repeat. Stop when you can dance around in your bones just like those bamboo babies in the south sea tropic zones.

5. Become nocturnal. Though it may still be hot, at night it is, at worst, marginally cooler than during the day and that huge firey orb has shut it's evil eye for a few scant hours. Who wants to miss the best part of summer by heavy petting with Morpheus? I know I don't. Bring glow-in-the-dark-lawn-darts, a miner's head lamp and I'll see you on the green at midnight!

6. Take up ice sculpture. Really, who cares if yer good or not? Just imagine how good it's going to feel surrounded by piles of shaved ice, the respective ruler of your own icy domain, mocking the season with an iron fist clenching a My First Chainsaw and commanding an army of short lived subjects. A few paper cones and some syrup in the color and flavour of your choice and losing a war to the god Helios never tasted so sweet!


Blogger james said...

ill take num 3

8:26 p.m.  

Post a Comment

<< Home