Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Rest in Peace My Vibratory Hero

It is with no small amount of sadness and frustration that I bid a fond farewell to a machine that has served faithfully and without complaint for five years. Purchased for about $80 US from Good Vibrations while on holiday in the Bay Area, I wonder what the cost per orgasm over these many years has amounted to. As I don't care for math I'm going to guesstimate and assume it was mere pennies each time my eyes rolled heavenward in thanks to those magnificent men and their gyrating machines. Those who say money can't buy happiness have never experienced the height of Japanese battery operated joy. Always there when I needed release, ever faithful and close at hand, yet never taken for granted.

Having limped along for one last foray into the Jade Grotto of Princess Peachfish my brave soldier saluted the apex of ecstacy then expired. I think back to cherry blossom shudders of the past and how a little silicon, some spot soldering and a lot of tender loving care kept Pearl Diver in the pink. It's a true sign of quality that such home repairs kept my vibratory hero in the flat field for so long. It's also a sign that dildo hospitals have yet to find a niche in my hometown.

Everything changes and it seems that the Pearl Diver has been replaced by a Bunny Rabbit. This means I won't ever again be tickled deliciously by a Japanese version of insanity prawn boy. Perhaps those who decide which friendly critter is going to buzz my bits decided that rabbits, butterflies, bears climbing tree trunks in search of honey and mermaids with incerdibly phallic hair swirls and quivvering tails were more appealing. I had hoped to find a picture of my dear Pearl Diver but to no avail, time marches on and old vetrans fade away, even from google image searches.

A paper towel shroud, the removal of unspent batteries and a moment of silence see you to your final rest. After a fashionable period of mourning I will begin the search to reaplce you. I will gaze upon a forest of phalluses in candy colors, each promising pleaures in a variety of innendos; "hungry bear noses deep in his search for honey, the branch trembling as he strains upward", "Rodgering Rabbit spies a hole to call home and burrows deep inside, ears throbbing and twitching as he seeks out the clerverly hidden doorbell", or not so subtle ways, "Spectacular flashing strobe lights rotating crystal pearl beads textured penis shaft ultra-powerful vibrating clitorizer sensually top off this pleasently scented translucent aqua jelly multi speed multi-function vibrator."

Strobe lights? Scented? Aromatherapeutic Autoeroticism? Is there a rave in my vagina and this is the glowstick? What's with all the bells and whistles Alexa's Starlight Tantalizer (California Exotic)? Trying to distract me from your shoddy non Japanese mechanics? And no matter what that pleasant scent it begins smelling like is, it's going to end up as prawn.

I miss Pearl Diver already.........


Blogger Ellabee said...

This is the first, and most beautiful ode I have found to a tool which I continue to use faithfully. I didn't know they didn't make the Pearl Diver anymore. Please be sure to post when you find your replacement, as I'm sure when mine craps out I'll be looking for another.

12:54 p.m.  

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