I need a hero contest: and the winner is KOI!

The winner and new hero.........





Well the period of mourning went longer than planned, due to the myriad of choices my nether region was faced with. No casual purchase this, the fate of my future self-pleasuring and satisfaction depended upon choosing wisely. Health codes and public exposure statutes forbid trying before buying in this case, so I turned to the glorious interweb to brave a phallic forest of would be knights in elastomer armor.

There were many multi-hued contenders standing at attention including an inferior version of my beloved Pearl Diver, but to be honest I shy away from low, low prices when shopping for vibratory devices. A price tag of $15 US indicates a novelty to me, and I'm looking for a tool not a tiddler. In this case you DO get what you pay for and when it's your own holy grotto that you are looking for a new pope to inhabit why skimp?

A few features I wasn't about to give up were the rotating beads and the "clitorizor", that delightful little protrusion from the base of the shaft, which in the case of my new champion resembles a fish tail. I've tried a few of those G-spot stimulation vibrators, perhaps you've seen them, they resemble a penis that was slammed in a door and have a rather disturbing bend. Personally, those rotating beads do a superior job of finding the mythical G-spot and triggering the fabled female ejaculation, that holy grail of multiple orgasms.

There are many songs that materialize in that moment of the "little death" and while singing like Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein, a few bars of "sweet mystery of life at last I've found you", usually wins out this time another song came to mind..............




I need a hero


Mmmmmmooooooohhhhhh

Where have all the good vibes gone
And where are all the rods?
Where’s the pearl-wise Priapus
To polish my impassioned yawn?

Isn’t there a pink knight upon AA batteries?
Late at night I ache and I yearn and I google search what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till the fed ex arrives
it's gonna be hard
And it's gonna be tight
And it's gonna be fresh from the freight

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till my toes curl tight
It’s gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And it’s gonna be better than life
Larger than life

Oooh ooo ooo OooooH!
Unnhhh unnhhh uhh Uhhhhh!
Oooh ooo ooo OooooH!
Aaahhh
Aaahhh!!!!!!

Sometime in the afternoon
of impending reality
An angel appears in a panel van
There's a package arriving for me

Riding on the turbo thruster and writhing to rotating beads
It's gonna take a multi speed to make my life complete

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till the paypal clears
It's gonna be long
And it's gonna be firm
And it's gonna bring me to tears

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero who can truly delight
It's gotta have pearls
And a rotating shaft
And it's gotta keep going all night

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till my feather pillow I bite

Underneath crisp clean sheets an off balance motor humms
A latex lingam meets a needy yoni
I can feel the tension building deep
Inside me

Through wind the grind and the thrill I can see
A shuddering blossom before the flood
I can feel it, I'm there
The release of pure ecstasy

I've got a hero
A hard brave veteran of the flat field fight
It's proven it's strong
And right where it belongs
And for a few years can service me right

I've got a hero
No more searching online for a tool that's just right
it's proven it's firm
And can rotate and turn
And it's revolutionized my life

I found my hero
I'm holding onto this hero 'till the end of it's life
Which I hope will be long
Cause the orgasms are strong
And cure migraines and end marital strife

Gods bless this hero
And it's proud homeland of the rising sun's light
It's good to be sure
When buying sugar
And be satisfied every night


I found my hero!
I'm holding onto this hero 'till the end of it's life!




Special thanks to......Good Vibrations, Toys in Babeland and Bonnie Tyler.