Thursday, October 12, 2006

"No Costume" Halloween Costumes



If you are fat or tend to be the big-boned "beefcake" type this is probably an easy costume for you, being no complete stranger to overindulgence. Even so, true gluttony is much more than the occasional eating of an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's or lugging about a few extra pounds of reserve nourishment for the Max Max End Times. The Deadly Sin of Gluttony has taken what might begin as a love of fine wines or unpasturized cheeses and polished it into a gleaming turd of waste and overindulgence such as the ancient Romans would have been proud of.

Clothes: Loose fitting comfortable clothes such as track suits and sweats are good, as are elastic banded slacks, parachute pants and even multi pocketed camoflauge pants. Accent with a lobster bib or south seas cannibal fork. Just don't wear a belt as this is inherently opposed to the image of no holds barred gluttony. If you feel the need for extra padding don't use pillows or cloth, simply stuff large summer sausages up your sleeves, cheese wedges in your pockets and cans of areosol whipped cream down your pants.

Behavior: Start with the basics. A strong foundation of "are you going to eat that?", greedy buffet patron plate loading artistry
and copious imbibing of drinks is best before escalating into Henry the VIII table manners and helping yourself to anything that looks good from anyone's plate without permission or explanation. Once you find an item that you consider is the best fare your host/ess has to offer, be sure to eat all of them. If at any point you feel the need to purge and make room for more, be sure to vomit over a balcony, into a potted plant or fishtank, or at least leave the door open to the bathroom. Make the most of this and mention how now you have room again for those delicious stuffed mushrooms. Another good technique is to only take one bite of anything and throw the rest away. Eat an entire plate of crab rangoon but only take one bite from each, go into great detail about why the first bite is the best and really only bite worth taking. Throw entire plates of food away. If you don't drink liquor be sure to go through a lot of soda or mineral water, one or two sips then sigh that it's gone flat/tasteless and trash the rest in favor of a fresh bottle, can or refill. If you stuffed your clothes with food be sure to make a point of eating some in front of the host/ess mentioning how it's better than the sub par spread offered to the guests. Leave being a slob to the slothful and turn your epicurian tendencies into outright obsessions. If you aren't thrown out you just might have a shot at "most esoteric" costume.


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