Friday, October 13, 2006

"No Costume" Halloween Costumes



Today's deadly sin themed costume may be the easiest costume of all as it inherently requires the least effort. Still and all, taking laziness to a sinful extreme does involve a little pre planning and a willingness to always choose the path of least resistance no matter what.

Clothing: Pull something from the bottom of the dirty clothes pile with obvious stains. Food, coffee, mud, blood, urine.... it really doesn't matter the point is that you just can't be bothered to wash. Also don't wash yourself for a few days. If you have body odor cover it up with lots of Drakkar Noir or patchouli, you won't be fooling anyone and the message of just how deadly the sin of sloth is will be clear to anyone downwind. If you don't have body odor try rubbing an onion and an anchovy under each arm then follow with the perfume of your choice, that ought to mix poorly enough to make a decent substitute for the McStench some sloths exude.

Behavior: The most obvious is don't do anything; Don't drive yourself to the party, don't get your own food or drinks, bum smokes, drugs and condoms, if these are not supplied willingly go without but complain openly. Nothing says sinfully slothful like an adult diaper on someone who's continent. The bonus is you don't have to worry about long bathroom lines or finding a place to piss outside and it's even better if you have the balls to brag about your cleverness.

If you don't consider conversation to be undue effort then be sure to talk about nothing but detailed and overly complex schemes for avoiding work or getting something for nothing. Subjects such as fishing with dynamite, Dialing for Dollars, donating blood/plasma on a regular basis for beer/drug money, how sex is too much effort to bother with unless it's being orally performed on you, or plans to build a time machine with used household appliances so you can go back in time and bet on sporting events to become filthy rich are all excellent starting topics.

If you do consider conversation to be work then just drink heavily and pass out early, or come tired and fall asleep. Be sure to pick a centrally located sofa or coffee table to crash out on. If falling asleep at a party seems too great a risk of waking up covered in magic marker penises you can either pretend to sleep ( a great way to hear really hot and dishy gossip) or just claim the best seat in the room and don't move for anyone or anything the entire evening.
Get others to wait on you and bitch about your thirst, nic fit, hunger or lack of sexual gratification when they refuse.
Yawn a lot and get as comfortable as possible, scratch intimate areas, belch and fart with shameless abandon. For men this may require stripping down to underclothes before the message is received clearly but if you are determined to do nothing it will soon become clear by evening's end what a filthy fucking lazy bastage, or immovable cunting sow you really are, in other words the living embodiment of sloth.


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