Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Take That Chubby Winged Devil Child!

The men in this picture look so happy and relieved. They have cast off the shackles of contrived guilt and consumerism.

I wonder myself why everything about Saint Violent Times concerns getting females small but expensive gifts, dying flowers and endorphin mimicing cocoa products. It's obvious this holiday was created to give businesses a much needed shot in the arm during the dead time of post holiday spening frenzy. Females seem to take full advantage of the guilt inducing possibilities for failing to measure up to the adverts making this yet another stressful time for no good reason other than commercialism.

This is why I say men need equal attention on this day and why I am introducing a new saint, Saint Fortuita Fellatia, a gauzy clad woman who instructs ladies on how to give better blow jobs. Her emphasis on a return to the simple pleasures coupled with the importance of rewarding one's mate with slippers and fellatio at the end of a hard day will hopefully bring a smile back to the faces of men everywhere on February 14th and greatly lessen the stress felt by both genders on that day.

No longer will See's Candies be a Metropolisesque line of hang dog expressions and bent backs of men laden with brightly colored boxes in the hopes of satisfying the bright red bosom shaped machine. Rather, I dream of a day when women spend the week beforehand brushing up on pleasure techniques and preparing intimate dinners while men groom themselves and fluff the cushions of their comfy chairs in anticiapation of an evening of pleasure without effort.

Boxes of chocolates will sit on the shelves until March gathering dust when, in an effort to move the product they will be marked down to half price. Debeers will have to initiate a "For Him (and her)" year round sales campaign where buying a mans ring will entitle the customer to a ladies ring free (of equal or lesser value). Roses will plummet in value and lose favor to be replaced by bouquets flavored lubricant gels and spontaneous back rubs. Couples will focus more on each other all the time than a few arbitrary days a year and as a result be happier and statisfied. All you need to do is refuse to be a part of the false system of affection and invite Saint Fortuita Fellatia into the world. If we call her she will come.