Friday, September 29, 2006

I need a hero contest: and the winner is KOI!

The winner and new hero.........

Well the period of mourning went longer than planned, due to the myriad of choices my nether region was faced with. No casual purchase this, the fate of my future self-pleasuring and satisfaction depended upon choosing wisely. Health codes and public exposure statutes forbid trying before buying in this case, so I turned to the glorious interweb to brave a phallic forest of would be knights in elastomer armor.

There were many multi-hued contenders standing at attention including an inferior version of my beloved Pearl Diver, but to be honest I shy away from low, low prices when shopping for vibratory devices. A price tag of $15 US indicates a novelty to me, and I'm looking for a tool not a tiddler. In this case you DO get what you pay for and when it's your own holy grotto that you are looking for a new pope to inhabit why skimp?

A few features I wasn't about to give up were the rotating beads and the "clitorizor", that delightful little protrusion from the base of the shaft, which in the case of my new champion resembles a fish tail. I've tried a few of those G-spot stimulation vibrators, perhaps you've seen them, they resemble a penis that was slammed in a door and have a rather disturbing bend. Personally, those rotating beads do a superior job of finding the mythical G-spot and triggering the fabled female ejaculation, that holy grail of multiple orgasms.

There are many songs that materialize in that moment of the "little death" and while singing like Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein, a few bars of "sweet mystery of life at last I've found you", usually wins out this time another song came to mind..............

I need a hero


Where have all the good vibes gone
And where are all the rods?
Where’s the pearl-wise Priapus
To polish my impassioned yawn?

Isn’t there a pink knight upon AA batteries?
Late at night I ache and I yearn and I google search what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till the fed ex arrives
it's gonna be hard
And it's gonna be tight
And it's gonna be fresh from the freight

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till my toes curl tight
It’s gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And it’s gonna be better than life
Larger than life

Oooh ooo ooo OooooH!
Unnhhh unnhhh uhh Uhhhhh!
Oooh ooo ooo OooooH!

Sometime in the afternoon
of impending reality
An angel appears in a panel van
There's a package arriving for me

Riding on the turbo thruster and writhing to rotating beads
It's gonna take a multi speed to make my life complete

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till the paypal clears
It's gonna be long
And it's gonna be firm
And it's gonna bring me to tears

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero who can truly delight
It's gotta have pearls
And a rotating shaft
And it's gotta keep going all night

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'till my feather pillow I bite

Underneath crisp clean sheets an off balance motor humms
A latex lingam meets a needy yoni
I can feel the tension building deep
Inside me

Through wind the grind and the thrill I can see
A shuddering blossom before the flood
I can feel it, I'm there
The release of pure ecstasy

I've got a hero
A hard brave veteran of the flat field fight
It's proven it's strong
And right where it belongs
And for a few years can service me right

I've got a hero
No more searching online for a tool that's just right
it's proven it's firm
And can rotate and turn
And it's revolutionized my life

I found my hero
I'm holding onto this hero 'till the end of it's life
Which I hope will be long
Cause the orgasms are strong
And cure migraines and end marital strife

Gods bless this hero
And it's proud homeland of the rising sun's light
It's good to be sure
When buying sugar
And be satisfied every night

I found my hero!
I'm holding onto this hero 'till the end of it's life!

Special thanks to......Good Vibrations, Toys in Babeland and Bonnie Tyler.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Spring Fashion Previews

Using state of the art microweave 'Genkei' fibers that react to body temperature, humidity and subcutaneous blood flow, Diane Von Furstenberg brings us the first 'Mood Dress'. Lovely Elsa shows off this delightful tea frock that according to the Many Moods color chart indicates that she is both fertile and aloof. The buff-colored sash gives a frame of reference by showing what the fabric looks like in it's neutral state, when not in direct contact with the skin. In a bold move Ms. Von Furstenberg has made the Many Moods color charts available for sale seperately from her fashions. Those who want to know just what their own dress is saying as well as would-be watchers of ladies who wear these dresses need only buy a comprehensive, fashionably priced, tri-fold brochure that has been silk screened onto stiffened Genkei fabric.

Phillip Lim's sailcloth overalls coupled with a bright floral print on triple starched poplin help maintain correct posture when supervising the garden staff. Pre-rolled mock sleeves add a hard working touch, while impractical China Doll slippers ensure that you can do little but stare menacingly and encourage overtime with no pay via veiled threats of deportation.

Date rape was never so shiek! Alice Roi's monochrome offering screams "I woke up in my yoga teacher's loft after I accidentally spilled wine all over myself and passed out during a chakra adjustment session and all I could find to wear when I woke up in his room the next morning naked, hung over and alone, was this".

Cosplay makes the runway with this loose interpretation of Princess Paulownia from her early exile years (eps 23-44 according to WikiKawaii). Clever use of recycled fishnets and Royal Puce miniature figurine paint evoke the passionate "Betrayal in the Jungle" scene of ep 26, while the onyx and jet talisman is clearly an exact copy of the one given to her by Sorisato on his deathbed in ep 39.

Sporting a NASCAR inspired grille to accent her turgid purple and red sequined evening gown Wanda-jo smiles for the many photographers at her first runway show. Actual ancient Peruvian tree frog skull hoop earrings add weight to the classic Sam's Club Gin N' Juice-Can hairdo to complete this colorful spring ensemble.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Blue Limerick

There once was a ram in a zoo
Who never had time to be blue
While some rams got mad
and others were sad
His secret, he said, was fuck ewe!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

My Level Three Rogue

Last month a friend of mine, Dutchy, had his 21st birthday which he referred to as "finally reaching epic." Congratz!

Since Dutchy reached epic level I've been thinking about my daughter in similar terms;

The Boo (aka: Booboula, Lydia, "your daughter") Gender: Female Eyes: Blue Hair: copious ringlets Skin: freckled
Age: 3 years Size: small
Deity: undetermined
Class: Rogue Current Level: 3 Current Xp: 4,562 Hp: 18
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral (Free Spirit)
Race: Halfling/Hin/Hobbit Subrace: Kinder (Kinder tend to regard all objects as theirs and declare so openly while they appropriate any item they need or want.)
Racial Traits: +2 racial bonus on Spot, Jump (Halfling based land speed 30 feet per second at level three) and Move Silently (50% occurrence, roll for incidence)
+1 Racial Bonus on all saving throws: surprisingly capable of avoiding mishaps (partially due to Bon Ange/Petit Ange Feat).
+2 Ignorance bonus on saving throws against Fear: stacks with the above +1 bonus to general saving throws.
+1 bonus on attack rolls with the following improvised projectiles: Semi Solid liquids, Liquids, Legos, Grapes and Peas.
Throwing and slinging anything within grasp is a universal Halfling trait and they develop especially good aim.
+2 Racial bonus on Listen checks. Halflings have keen ears and an uncanny ability to repeat words heard only once with incredible accuracy.
Automatic Languages: Halfling and Common. Bonus Languages: Terrier, Farm Animal (Chicken, Cow, Sheep, Goat, Pig, Horse, Cat, Barn Owl, House Finch, Barn Swallow : Pick two of the preceding for fluency upon creation with a bonus every 2,000 xp points.)
Favored Class: Rogue
Halflings have long had to rely on easy marks for survival and the vocation of rogue comes easily to them.
Regeneration: Upon creation: +5 Halflings at lower levels have an amazing regeneration rate for injuries that decreases by increments of -1 every level after 21 until 0.
Bon Ange/Petit Ange: Halflings have a supernatural ability that allows them to re-roll on mortal damage twice a day. If the roll succeeds they take no damage, failure is 1/4 damage.

Statistics: Strength: 10 Dexterity: 12 Intelligence: 12 Constitution: 10 Wisdom: 6 Charisma: 16

Base Attack: 2 Grapple: 6 Spell Resistance: -10


Appraise: +6 ( affects the ability to asses situations easily influenced by crying, smiling or repeating heard phrases)
Balance: +5
Bluff: -5
Climb: +6
Concentration: -2
Comprehension: +4
Detect Candy: +4
Disable Device: +6
Discipline: -2
Escape Artist: +4
Heal: +6
Hide: -2 indoors/+6 outdoors Halflings have a tendency to shout "I'm hiding!" which often negates any successful hide check indoors or in close quarters. Out of doors the Halfling's small size often renders them virtually invisible in fields of grass.
Hoot/Howl: +5
Intimidate: -5
Jump: +6
Listen: +4
Lock: +4
Open Lock: -1
Move Silently: +6
Persuade: +2
Ride Terrier: +1
Sense Motive: +6 (affects the ability to discern between situations of impending reward/punishment frequently leading to 'side quests')
Sharing: +4
Sleight of Hand: +2
Spot: -2
Survival: +4
Threat: -2
Tumble: +6
Use Magic Word: +3

Special Skills:
Sneak Attack 2d6
Sense Naps +6
Rage unlimited times per day (supernatural ability)

Languages: Halfling, Common, Terrier, Cat, Pig, Cow, House Finch, Horse, Goat, Howler Monkey


Baldrick (occasionally doubles as a mount)


Basic Clothing Proficiency
Basic Tool Usage
Leadership: Automatic at level three for Halflings ( Terriers only )
Bon Ange/Petit Ange (supernatural feat)


1 Hello Kitty Rucksack of Holding
1 Elmo Flashlight
22 Pairs of mismatched socks
1 Pair Licensed Character LED Sandals of Escaping
1 +1 Shirt of Blending
1 Baa Baa (multipurpose cloth puppy used for comfort, distraction of giants, flinging and stalling)
1 Blue blanket of Comforting (non-magical item)
1 Pair Pink Mittens of Disappearing (magical item)
4 Swedish Fish, 1 Apple, 3 String Cheeses (rations)
2 ounces Frozen Peas (ration/ammunition)
1 Stick
75 cents in loose change and Pretty Rocks

Halfling Enters Rage: