Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy All Hallow's Eve from Princess Cat Lady

Hand over the candy or my legion of zombie kittens will eat your face off!


Monday, October 16, 2006

"No Costume" Halloween Costumes



The Deadly Sin of Greed has many faces making this one of the most versatile of sins. From the money hoarding scrooge to the ostentatious nuevo riche to the too wealthy to be bothered, there are a lot of options for dress and behavior with the sin of avarice.

Clothing: Two options here, rich or wealthy.

Rich: Dress up, dress designer. If you can't afford real fashion just tear out the labels from anything designer at your local fine clothier boutique and sew it into your own clothing. Wear the very best of the very best you own and make sure it's immaculate, clean and pressed. If fancy dress seems a bit intimidating the simplicity of an all white tennis outfit and racquet or smoking jacket and pipe convey the message just as well if not better since people tend to have rather stereotypical views of what rich looks like. This is the time to drag out that fur grandmother left you, it bespeaks of wealth with the added bonus of pissing PETA people off. Being perceived as insensitive is just what you are going for.

Wealthy: Wear old, comfortable clothes. Truly wealthy people often don't dress-up because they don't need clothes to impress. They don't need to impress anyone since they have the money to buy whatever object or influence they desire. Think George Lucas or Bill Gates. This can also be used to convey the Deadly Sin of Greed in it's form of miserliness.

Buy the most expensive bottle of wine or other alcohol you can find. If you can, get a bottle of Perrier-Jouet. This popular prop of movies and television will be sure to draw the eye and spark recognition with it's distinctive flowers while exuding sophistication and wealth. You won't actually be opening this so if you save the receipt you might even be able to return it and get your money back after the party. You could even follow this same logic with the clothes, buy what you can't afford, wear it, then return it the next day. How do you think all those rich folks got that way in the first place?

Behavior: Be sure to draw a lot of attention to your entrance by presenting the bottle of alcohol to your host/ess with a small speech, make a point of mentioning how much the item cost. Pause at the end of your presentation and then ask for the bottle back. Carry this bottle with you for the remainder of the evening and refuse to open it under any circumstances on the grounds that you are saving it for a truly special occasion.

Check other guest's clothing labels, if they are designer nod with a knowing smile, if off brand cluck your tongue and shake your head while saying, " You get what you pay for and I guess that's why it fits you so poorly". Offer to buy anything you see that appeals to you in the way of household furnishings, clothing, other guest's food, drink or "services". If taken up on the offer pretend to critically examine whatever you proposed to buy and decide it's substandard and not worth purchasing after all, but you'd take it for free.

Steer all subjects of conversation to those of money. Ask people openly how much they make and compare that to your own income. Mention how hard it is to find true love when you can't be sure if they are in love with you or your money and that's why you only date within your own tax bracket now or why pre-nuptual agreements are so important these days. Talk about your vacation to Dubai, foreign bank accounts and how war profiteering is just making the best of a bad situation. Seem truly driven to make more, own more and keep it. If you have children talk not so much about them as about what you bought them, cars, holidays, educations, it's all the very best money can buy and a substitute for your time. If you don't have children talk longingly about wanting to adopt some children, the more exotic and pathetic the better, after all nannies will raise them for you. Talk about the children as if they were collectable dolls rather than human beings. Mention your wealth as a direct indicator of how favored you are by God or that God only gives true wealth to those who can appreciate and maintain it.

If taking the miserly route be sure to point out how much money you save each month by dumpster diving for food, stealing cable, falsifying your income with creative accounting methods and reusing paper towels by washing them and hanging them up to dry. Talk about how good roadkill tastes and the various nuances of roadside game. If you smoke, don't bring your own cigarettes but fish in the ashtrays for half burned stubs and smoke them conspicuously. Find an empty cigarette pack and start saving some for later. If some one asks for a smoke, offer them one from the pack of half burned stubs.

Only drink those beverages that have been set down by other guests if the bar is no host. If everything is supplied be sure to have plastic bags in your pockets and fill them with food while making a point of how many free meals you will be getting from this one party. Bring your own wineskin and fill it from the bar while mentioning how marvelous it is you won't have to spend money on beer this week. The added bonus to this is, you won't have to spend money on beer this week. Damn, isn't it great to be rich?

Sunday, October 15, 2006

"No Costume" Halloween Costumes

Seven Deadly Sins: Part IV


On the subject of Princesses: Poster girls for the Deadly Sin of Pride, these aren't little girls playing at princess, these are the real deal trapped in a wearying world. Perhaps you've seen them, these are the poor adult maidens who were born in the wrong era and know it. It's easy to spot a princess, they tend to wear crowns or tiaras, sparkly fairy-like clothes and too much velvet when shopping for groceries. Even so, the most indispensable part of a princesses' wardrobe is her expression; a slightly wrinkled nose, ever so gently pouting lower lip and bored expression. Life for the princess is a continual procession of tedious sub-standard persons and situations that revolve around her like tiny planets made of dung.

Clothing: Dress in whatever you look your very best in. If you aren't sure a good indicator is the more uncomfortable the clothes make you feel the better you probably look in them, especially with shoes. Be sure to have a compact or pocket mirror and comb handy for constant touch-ups and primping. Your looking so good is a gift to others, so don't hold back! If you use perfume or colonge be sure to use 5 times as much as you would normally so that you are surrounded by a veritable aura of overpowering scent. This lets people know you approacheth, announcing you arrival like a herald with trumpet so that they might prepare for your majestic presence.

Behavior: Self righteousness and a chronic lack of humility are the hallmarks of sinful pride so be sure to steer all conversations to discussions about yourself and your many talents, downplay the skills of others and focus on your own. If you must talk about others be sure to point out their many flaws, and how tragic they are. Be extremely blunt in pointing out the flaws of others, it is your duty as a superior being to help those poor pathetic individuals learn by your example.

Mention any charity work you might do as it relates to your feeling so gosh darned good about yourself. The charity is secondary to what a wonderful person you are for caring so very much about the less fortunate. In fact, wonder often out loud what these groups would ever do without you. Compare yourself to Mother Theresa, Princess Diana or Bill Gates.
If you don't do any charity work bemoan how you'd love to help but it's just so hard to find the time with all the other important things you do.

Be sure to mix and move about a lot so everyone present has a chance to enjoy your company and benefit from your sage advice. Always look your very best, even if this means suspending conversation to check your lip liner, adjust your hair or wipe your shoes down with a soft cloth.

Leave early and announce your departure with just a tinge of sadness and regret that the party has to end so soon but you must go. Parting is such sweet sorrow, for them.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

"No Costume" Halloween Costumes



The Deadly Sin of Wrath is much more than general bitchiness, knee-jerk racism or an anger management problem, although these are the fragile seeds that can grow, if nurtured and indulged, into the kind of white hot rage that leads to shooting a bitch in the face because she beeped her horn at you, beating a child to death for pissing his pants or ethnic cleansing.

Clothing: Wear all red clothes and some kind of "shit kicker" boots. Accent with a T- shirt that says something like "Kill them all, let god sort them out" emblazoned across a flaming skull with crossed machine guns or a simple mushroom cloud. On a budget? Get some of those iron-on letters and make your own slogan. Use words such as "Hate" and "War", or choose phrases like "Why build a wall when you can drop a bomb?", "Hell yes! Nuke that mess!", "Faggots are Maggots,Thank God I'm a Man!", "War is Hella" or "Fuck Sex!"
Fill your purse or pockets with cheap breakables like small cups and saucers or adorable tchotkes which can be smashed to punctuate your anger throughout the evening.

Behavior: ( In this case it's probably best to let your host/ess in on your costume as Wrath tends to piss people off in extremes) Speak loudly at all times, just on the edge of shouting and stand uncomfortably close to any one you are speaking to. Covertly place the breakable tchotkes on shelves and tables around the room so that they appear to belong to your host/ess, these items will come into play later. Try to exude a low level of constant seething anger towards everything and everyone from the choice of snack foods offered to the music being played and the perceived sexual orientation of certain party guests. Cast off the shackles of "Political Correctness" and indulge yourself in anti-social behavior. It helps if you are willing to stay sober because then no one can pass off your behavior as that of an "angry drunk".

When anything interests you conversationally or otherwise, shout, breathe heavily and, if you can get worked up enough, froth at the mouth flinging spittle on alternating consonants (a little piece of alka seltzer between the cheek and gum goes a long way). When people disagree with your views ask if they are purposefully trying to piss you off with their stupidity. In any discussion propose violence as the only real solution no matter how ridiculous that may seem, such as desecrating the grave of an old woman for animal rights or shooting doctors to save unborn children. Rather than throwing punches and picking fights, smash one of the breakable items you previously placed and mumble how you wish it was really the person's face. Be sure to make a lot of unblinking eye contact when you do this and the occasional twitch of a fist can accent the rage nicely. If it looks like things might escalate to blows just scream and froth, smash some more things and storm out saying you don't need their fucking bullshit. You may then laugh your ass off in the privacy of your own car or home. Your host/ess will sadly have to wait until the party's over.

Friday, October 13, 2006

"No Costume" Halloween Costumes



Today's deadly sin themed costume may be the easiest costume of all as it inherently requires the least effort. Still and all, taking laziness to a sinful extreme does involve a little pre planning and a willingness to always choose the path of least resistance no matter what.

Clothing: Pull something from the bottom of the dirty clothes pile with obvious stains. Food, coffee, mud, blood, urine.... it really doesn't matter the point is that you just can't be bothered to wash. Also don't wash yourself for a few days. If you have body odor cover it up with lots of Drakkar Noir or patchouli, you won't be fooling anyone and the message of just how deadly the sin of sloth is will be clear to anyone downwind. If you don't have body odor try rubbing an onion and an anchovy under each arm then follow with the perfume of your choice, that ought to mix poorly enough to make a decent substitute for the McStench some sloths exude.

Behavior: The most obvious is don't do anything; Don't drive yourself to the party, don't get your own food or drinks, bum smokes, drugs and condoms, if these are not supplied willingly go without but complain openly. Nothing says sinfully slothful like an adult diaper on someone who's continent. The bonus is you don't have to worry about long bathroom lines or finding a place to piss outside and it's even better if you have the balls to brag about your cleverness.

If you don't consider conversation to be undue effort then be sure to talk about nothing but detailed and overly complex schemes for avoiding work or getting something for nothing. Subjects such as fishing with dynamite, Dialing for Dollars, donating blood/plasma on a regular basis for beer/drug money, how sex is too much effort to bother with unless it's being orally performed on you, or plans to build a time machine with used household appliances so you can go back in time and bet on sporting events to become filthy rich are all excellent starting topics.

If you do consider conversation to be work then just drink heavily and pass out early, or come tired and fall asleep. Be sure to pick a centrally located sofa or coffee table to crash out on. If falling asleep at a party seems too great a risk of waking up covered in magic marker penises you can either pretend to sleep ( a great way to hear really hot and dishy gossip) or just claim the best seat in the room and don't move for anyone or anything the entire evening.
Get others to wait on you and bitch about your thirst, nic fit, hunger or lack of sexual gratification when they refuse.
Yawn a lot and get as comfortable as possible, scratch intimate areas, belch and fart with shameless abandon. For men this may require stripping down to underclothes before the message is received clearly but if you are determined to do nothing it will soon become clear by evening's end what a filthy fucking lazy bastage, or immovable cunting sow you really are, in other words the living embodiment of sloth.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

"No Costume" Halloween Costumes



If you are fat or tend to be the big-boned "beefcake" type this is probably an easy costume for you, being no complete stranger to overindulgence. Even so, true gluttony is much more than the occasional eating of an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's or lugging about a few extra pounds of reserve nourishment for the Max Max End Times. The Deadly Sin of Gluttony has taken what might begin as a love of fine wines or unpasturized cheeses and polished it into a gleaming turd of waste and overindulgence such as the ancient Romans would have been proud of.

Clothes: Loose fitting comfortable clothes such as track suits and sweats are good, as are elastic banded slacks, parachute pants and even multi pocketed camoflauge pants. Accent with a lobster bib or south seas cannibal fork. Just don't wear a belt as this is inherently opposed to the image of no holds barred gluttony. If you feel the need for extra padding don't use pillows or cloth, simply stuff large summer sausages up your sleeves, cheese wedges in your pockets and cans of areosol whipped cream down your pants.

Behavior: Start with the basics. A strong foundation of "are you going to eat that?", greedy buffet patron plate loading artistry
and copious imbibing of drinks is best before escalating into Henry the VIII table manners and helping yourself to anything that looks good from anyone's plate without permission or explanation. Once you find an item that you consider is the best fare your host/ess has to offer, be sure to eat all of them. If at any point you feel the need to purge and make room for more, be sure to vomit over a balcony, into a potted plant or fishtank, or at least leave the door open to the bathroom. Make the most of this and mention how now you have room again for those delicious stuffed mushrooms. Another good technique is to only take one bite of anything and throw the rest away. Eat an entire plate of crab rangoon but only take one bite from each, go into great detail about why the first bite is the best and really only bite worth taking. Throw entire plates of food away. If you don't drink liquor be sure to go through a lot of soda or mineral water, one or two sips then sigh that it's gone flat/tasteless and trash the rest in favor of a fresh bottle, can or refill. If you stuffed your clothes with food be sure to make a point of eating some in front of the host/ess mentioning how it's better than the sub par spread offered to the guests. Leave being a slob to the slothful and turn your epicurian tendencies into outright obsessions. If you aren't thrown out you just might have a shot at "most esoteric" costume.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Undead Fashion Preview

All Hallow's Eve looms on the horizon, that one night a year when even the most unnatural of creatures can walk freely amongst us and instead of facing discrimination or derision are actually greeted warmly and given "best costume" awards, free booze and drugs. Recent years however have seen an increasing visibility of certain undead special interest groups; a myriad of zombie-culture promoting games, movies and songs, the growing number of vampyres filling out W-2 forms, clinically brain-dead persons receiving government paychecks and minion-sluts who dominate the entertainment industry.

Like the rest of us these undead need food, minimal shelter and clothing, designer clothing........

Though technically not undead Thralls are still a growing part of the pro-undead movement by acting as aides and lobbyists during daylight hours. Max Mara brings us this practical yet fashionable slave shift in olive drab silk contrasted with a panel of aluminum samite. Ever mindful of the unique needs of living challanged clientel each slave shift has been treated with a revolutionary new stain and mildew resistant chemical created by 3M called RotGuard which Mr. Mara claims can lengthen the life of his fashions by centuries.

From coffin to boardroom. Centuries of value retaining capital in the form of gold, property and family heirlooms coupled with an ability to control the minds of even the most dissenting board of director's members or clients means vampires are ideally suited for the buisiness world. Inspired by one of the more famous daywalkers of buisiness, Joan Crawford, is this smart buisiness suit by Martin Margela of black and vermillion virgin wool contrasting a shell of buff colored silk with kevlar lining.

A recent fatal runway accident involving DK China Doll shoes has been a boon for Sadie Grey. Born half undead, the product of a Ginger and a Lithuanian opera singer, Sadie has been reported as saying "Until became fully undead I never understood my true Daywalker nature, sure I enjoyed being thin and transparent when backlit but now I can see the prejudice and hatred that follows so many of my fellow undead. Thank gods in the fashion industry my condition is considered "exotic" and "marketable", I hate to think what my life would be like if I had gone to medical school as my parents always wanted."

Recently signed by Christopher Kane to debut his Daywear for Daywalkers collection, Sadie's career has never been better. Here she models an afternoon tea frock of distressed, ivory tafetta and lime green chiffon with contrasting virulent pus colored belt and piping. Sexy, strappy duct tape sandals that are guaranteed never to slip off mid stride and entangle themselves about the neck causing asphyxiation complete this ensemble.

Rei Kawakubo assures us that one thing Hungry Ghosts won't hunger for is fine fashion. With this artfully shredded Tyvek evening coat and single edition McCloud tartan capri pants, which were hand woven by methanphetamine addicts in Glasgow as part of a tax shelter program created by Donna Karen, Rei proves to us all that social conscience and fashion CAN mix.

Mummy Dearest! Jean-Paul Gaultier offers up this smart and stylish houndstooth bodystocking and hood with matching accessories modeled by none other than ZaSu Pitts. The rising popularity of botox parties, collagen injections and the modern breakthrough of facial reattatchment surgery has meant that great strides are being made towards a glorious future of reanimated, mummified legends of the silver screen. While not at the "extreme close up stage" progress has certainly been made and soon new generations will learn what true talent really is.