Friday, July 20, 2007

Happy Anniversary

It's been one year today since my first post on this blog. I read someplace most Blogs only last three months so if I am not prolific, at least I am stubborn.

Here are some other Anniversaries plucked at random from the interweb;


1878: First telephone introduced in Hawaii

1881: Sioux Indian Chief Sitting Bull, surrenders to federal troops. In 1885 he appeares in Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show a tradition carried on today by many Native Americans who, performing for tourists, perpetuate the iconic ideal of the two dimensional indian.

1890: Theda Bara Born, the word "vamp" enters the American lexicon as kohl sales surge foreshadowing the popularity of gothic subculture and Hot Topic stores.

1923: Pancho Villa ambushed and assassinated. He now lives on as a chain of restaurants, an HBO film and a drink, technically named for a Fillipino boxer who adopted the name, but who cares? It sounds tasty.


1oz golden Puerto Rican rum
1oz gin
1oz apricot brandy
1tsp cherry brandy
1tsp pineapple juice
Stir with crushed ice, and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Drink with freedom!

1938: Diana Rigg born in Yorkshire, later responible for countless boys with bondage and leather fetishes.

1944: A bomb meant to assassinate German dictator Adolf Hitler explodes at his headquarters, killing four. Hitler survives, and the senior military staff who conspired against him are executed.
Today many Germans are dissapointed that Tom Cruise isn't a method actor.

1956: U.S. performs atmospheric nuclear Test at Bikini Island. Much later President Ronald Wilson Reagan says "I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast." redefining forever the concept of absolute proof as it relates to the US government.

1968: Iron Butterfly's "In-a-gadda-da-vida" becomes the first heavy metal song to hit charts, it comes in at #117.
Is adopted as a hymn in 1995 by a small Springfield congregation under the title "In the Garden of Eden" resulting in a 150% increase in church attendance.

1969: Neil Armstrong walks on the moon. Sting later does the same with slightly better vocals.

1973: Bruce Lee enters coma and later dies of cerebral edema.
The posthumous release of Enter the Dragon makes him a cult figure, something his son accidentally accomplishes to a lesser degree twenty years later.

1974: Turkey invades Cyprus, Cypriate property taxes double overnight.

1984: Vanessa Williams asked to resign as Miss America, men across America hoard their copies of Playboy driving down the collector value of that particular printing to an all time low, just slightly below the Dana Plato issue.

2005: Canada becomes 4th country to permit same sex marriage, homosexuals from Vancouver to the Maritimes rejoice at newfound equal opportunity to experience the suffocating feeling of being trapped in a loveless marriage.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

You Are Not Helping

Your defense of a bastardized child of the English language (American) is obviously from the heart because one assumes the brain knows how to spell. I applaud your efforts but ask sincerely that you stop now, please. I understand you are annoyed you have to waste that extra half-second pressing one for English, I feel the same way at times, but is this really the best way to deal with the illegal immigration issue? Implying you are too ignorant to blow leaves off the sidewalk and that's why we need the people coming across the border to help us with our rampant foliage problem? Do your part, stop.

This brings to mind a few others whom I'd like to stop as well.....


1. Going on about Bill Clinton receiving oral sex in the Oval Office.

I have a hard time thinking ANY man who sits behind that smooth, glossy desk of power doesn't think about having sex at some point, let alone act on the thought. Be it with his wife, secretary, mistress, page, Secretary of State or high priced DC call girl... it isn't so much with whom they have or think of having sex with, it's just that they do. If a man doesn't want to do it in the oval office, I'm not so sure he's really a man, at least a living, breathing one.

I imagine president of the United States as being a job/position/punishment that no one in their right mind would want, but the perks make it at least bearable. There's the kitchen of world class chefs on call twenty four hours a day, seven days a week just waiting to make up a lil something or an entire diplomatic banquet, including Kobe beef that was getting a rub down less that 24 hours before it arrived at table. You wanna eat like The King? They can prepare a fried bacon and banana sandwich, or a dozen, any time you want. If satisfying epicurian indulgences is accepted and encouraged why is physical pleasure of a more carnal than carne asada nature taboo? I can't be the only one who thinks a horny leader is a better leader than one with blue balls. Say what you will but at least a president who is busy chasing tail is also too busy to start wars with no end.


2. Referring to entertainment as news.

Some suggested alternatives are infertainment, amnewsment or tewsbloids. But please, let's all agree to stop acting as if those meat puppets and talking heads going on about some drug-addled, talentless yet indulged, walking sperm dumpster's most recent mewl for attention is news or anything remotely important. They aren't on the telly because they are famous, they are famous because they've been shoved in your face for so long you recognize Rupert Murdoch's wet dreams as household names. Now, if they would just strap a camera to each of the Bush daughter's heads and had a live feed.... well, maybe in one and a half years eh?


3. Saying we are killing the planet. I'm not suggesting we aren't hurting it, much in the way a bad case of Shingles hurts, but to say we are killing it? I really think you are giving humans way too much credit. Oh, no doubt we are capable of killing ourselves but I don't think your green earth mother would mind one bit. Same goes for global warming. This planet has been through far worse climate changes and done very well globally speaking, but we have not. To be honest that baby mammoth has me all excited about what else might be revealed from the retreating premafrost..... a frozen Yeti? Frozen aliens and their preserved space ship? Maybe the gateway to Agharta? I can't wait for a Discovery channel special on one of those!


4. trying to be your child's 'friend'. Little Royal or Ashelee don't need you as a friend, they have peers for that. When they need discipline and you can't stand being the 'uncool parent' so you cave in, you are not helping. When you post bail because they are just too 'innocent' to spend the night with all those 'real' criminals, you are not helping. When they look to you for guidance and you hand them a joint or a beer, or when you try to buy the affection you didn't earn with time, you are not helping.

When you blame school, society, television, music, games, anything but yourself because you are a good parent and your pride and joy is a good kid, saying it's everyone else who failed you both, you are certainly not helping. They say this new crop of young adults was told they were special for no good reason a hundred times too many and now expect recognition and praisejust for doing their job. I guess that's because the parents expected a medal for not doing theirs? Parents are meant to raise children to self sufficiency, give them skills and tools, instill work ethics and morals. So please, don't expect the schools, movies, television, society or anyone else to do that while yer too busy trying to organize a kegger for your sixteen year old, because they don't, and aren't even meant to. That's your job.


Thursday, July 05, 2007


Ok, ok ok. It is well after midnight and you can stop now. The Darwinism in action holiday is now officially over and my annoyance has graciously allowed a half hour grace period to use up all those M-80s you got from the Unsafe and Insane brightly colored boomstick vendor on the local native amercian reservation. Any left now you best save for the next fishing trip or New Year's Eve.

Seriously! It can stop now, the dog thinks we're being carpet bombed by some strange prismatic whistling coyote god and I don't know where the cats are. Probably in the basement with foamies in their ears, sleeping peacefully, I always said cats were smarter.

Hoo well, the sirens indicate it's time to lick yer wounds and call it a night. It's an odd liminal world here on the edge of the city line. We don't hear many of the actual in town legal exuberances so much as the non-sanctioned out of city limits variety. As you might have guessed they last way into the night.

I'm also wondering if I am the only one who finds it oh so sadly ironic that on this, of all holidays, most everything we wave or explode or beam at proudly was made in China. I mean Easter is also pretty bad but I don't recall the option to buy chocolate Jesi made in heaven to stuff the creche that's been plastic grass lined with. But surely, someone must make American flags in America to be waved on the fourth of July by Americans? And as captivating as home fireworks are and as much fun as those Roman Candle Wars can be the fact is, most folks just aren't smart enough to deal with the gift of prometheus combined with various metals and empowered by explosive substances. And if most folks weren't smart enough that would be one thing we all might live with, but when those same people have to find any one to blame but themselves it gets a tad annoying.

I'll admit I took part in a fireworks war in a rock pit at a younger and much more emboldened age. We made some snazzy magazines that allowed the firing of ten plus bottle rockets at time, we each picked a side hundreds of yards away from each other and just fired randomly into the dark. It was a lot like the invasion of Iraq, except in our case the only casualty was a bottle rocket grazing. It was then we realized no one brought any first aid... we were stupid monkeys playing with fire for our own amusement. But we knew that at the time and would have blamed no one but ourselves had the consequences ended less happily.

It's quiet now and aside from a few random pops and sputters. A flash of purple or green on the horizon then sweet silence.

Good night America may those dreams of glory not fade away to a white patch of paper in the window of some SUV like a cheap imported sticker made in China.