Monday, October 16, 2006

"No Costume" Halloween Costumes



The Deadly Sin of Greed has many faces making this one of the most versatile of sins. From the money hoarding scrooge to the ostentatious nuevo riche to the too wealthy to be bothered, there are a lot of options for dress and behavior with the sin of avarice.

Clothing: Two options here, rich or wealthy.

Rich: Dress up, dress designer. If you can't afford real fashion just tear out the labels from anything designer at your local fine clothier boutique and sew it into your own clothing. Wear the very best of the very best you own and make sure it's immaculate, clean and pressed. If fancy dress seems a bit intimidating the simplicity of an all white tennis outfit and racquet or smoking jacket and pipe convey the message just as well if not better since people tend to have rather stereotypical views of what rich looks like. This is the time to drag out that fur grandmother left you, it bespeaks of wealth with the added bonus of pissing PETA people off. Being perceived as insensitive is just what you are going for.

Wealthy: Wear old, comfortable clothes. Truly wealthy people often don't dress-up because they don't need clothes to impress. They don't need to impress anyone since they have the money to buy whatever object or influence they desire. Think George Lucas or Bill Gates. This can also be used to convey the Deadly Sin of Greed in it's form of miserliness.

Buy the most expensive bottle of wine or other alcohol you can find. If you can, get a bottle of Perrier-Jouet. This popular prop of movies and television will be sure to draw the eye and spark recognition with it's distinctive flowers while exuding sophistication and wealth. You won't actually be opening this so if you save the receipt you might even be able to return it and get your money back after the party. You could even follow this same logic with the clothes, buy what you can't afford, wear it, then return it the next day. How do you think all those rich folks got that way in the first place?

Behavior: Be sure to draw a lot of attention to your entrance by presenting the bottle of alcohol to your host/ess with a small speech, make a point of mentioning how much the item cost. Pause at the end of your presentation and then ask for the bottle back. Carry this bottle with you for the remainder of the evening and refuse to open it under any circumstances on the grounds that you are saving it for a truly special occasion.

Check other guest's clothing labels, if they are designer nod with a knowing smile, if off brand cluck your tongue and shake your head while saying, " You get what you pay for and I guess that's why it fits you so poorly". Offer to buy anything you see that appeals to you in the way of household furnishings, clothing, other guest's food, drink or "services". If taken up on the offer pretend to critically examine whatever you proposed to buy and decide it's substandard and not worth purchasing after all, but you'd take it for free.

Steer all subjects of conversation to those of money. Ask people openly how much they make and compare that to your own income. Mention how hard it is to find true love when you can't be sure if they are in love with you or your money and that's why you only date within your own tax bracket now or why pre-nuptual agreements are so important these days. Talk about your vacation to Dubai, foreign bank accounts and how war profiteering is just making the best of a bad situation. Seem truly driven to make more, own more and keep it. If you have children talk not so much about them as about what you bought them, cars, holidays, educations, it's all the very best money can buy and a substitute for your time. If you don't have children talk longingly about wanting to adopt some children, the more exotic and pathetic the better, after all nannies will raise them for you. Talk about the children as if they were collectable dolls rather than human beings. Mention your wealth as a direct indicator of how favored you are by God or that God only gives true wealth to those who can appreciate and maintain it.

If taking the miserly route be sure to point out how much money you save each month by dumpster diving for food, stealing cable, falsifying your income with creative accounting methods and reusing paper towels by washing them and hanging them up to dry. Talk about how good roadkill tastes and the various nuances of roadside game. If you smoke, don't bring your own cigarettes but fish in the ashtrays for half burned stubs and smoke them conspicuously. Find an empty cigarette pack and start saving some for later. If some one asks for a smoke, offer them one from the pack of half burned stubs.

Only drink those beverages that have been set down by other guests if the bar is no host. If everything is supplied be sure to have plastic bags in your pockets and fill them with food while making a point of how many free meals you will be getting from this one party. Bring your own wineskin and fill it from the bar while mentioning how marvelous it is you won't have to spend money on beer this week. The added bonus to this is, you won't have to spend money on beer this week. Damn, isn't it great to be rich?


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